I won’t get into specifics or mention which girl told me this but I heard music to my ears this morning. This morning before Hubby and I leave for vacation. Vacation without the kids.
While cuddling in my chair (with my laptop, the dog and a kid), the kid whispers, “Please come back from vacation because I need you. Promise me you’ll stay away from sharks.”
I need you too baby. I don’t plan on getting up close and personal with any sharks either.
Enu came home yesterday all excited about the time line project assigned to her class. She has to have at least 3 pictures and 5 events on her timeline including birth and present day.
I honestly don’t remember Mita doing this assignment last year, but I do remember Meg doing it. This makes me wonder if it was assigned to Mita and she didn’t make a big deal about it or if she kept the assignment on the down-low because it was a big deal to her. Hmm. I must go through the projects I kept from last year and see if I can find it.
Back to yesterday. I told Enu that I would have to get on the computer and order prints as we are a digital family and I rarely have extra prints hanging around. We discussed what pictures she wanted and what her events on the time line were going to be:
1- Birth in Ethiopia – She wanted a baby picture of her and her dad that we have.
2- Mom dying when she was 3.
So when she mentioned this I gently said,”Honey, if you put this down people are going to ask you about it.” She shrugged and said that it was fine.
3- Adoption and movie to the USA.
4- Disneyworld for the first time.
5- Being at 4th grader.
I am planning on supporting her wishes, but I am also going to have a back up picture in case she changes her mind at the last-minute. I will also let her teacher know what is coming so she isn’t put on the spot.
I applaud her for being truthful and authentic in her project. I admire her strength for acknowledging what she has done through. I am so worried that this may trigger something and she will have a bad experience at school. I’m running this by Hubby to see what he thinks.
I think this will also be a lesson-learner for the other kids in the class. Not everyone has an all-happy timeline to share, even 9 year olds. That said I hate that my children seem to be the models for adoption and diversity at school as that is a lot of pressure on a kid. If anyone out there has traveled this path I would love some advice!
One of my goals in homeschooling Enu this past semester was to help her with her English. That may surprise some who have heard her speak, as she is very much fluent in her conversation and has no accent. When we first brought the girls home I read that it took 7 years for a child to become fluent in English. I scoffed at this (as I did many, many other things I read about!) and thought they were fluent after just two years. They needed no extra school help and understood everything.
Or did they? I have slowing gleaned that while they seem conversationally fluent, if they don’t know something they fake it, or guess the meaning by the context of the conversation. I have learned we need to work on vocabulary, tone, sarcasm and idioms. They are still very literal in many ways.
Enu and I have worked a lot with word ladders. This has improved her spelling and vocabulary and they are fun to do. I found two other books that helped with her language skills:
In A Pickle And Other Funny Idioms by Marvin Terban
Ever wonder where the expression “To let the cat out of the bag” came from? This book will tell you along with other idioms like “He got up on the wrong side of the bed” or “Keep your shirt on.” I learned some things reading this and I know Enu did as well.
How Much Can A Bare Bear Bear? by Brian P. Cleary is a book on homonyms and homophones. “A bee can be.” ” A horse can get hoarse from talking of course.” An easy read that shows kids how to learn our complicated English in a fun, silly way.
I would love for Mita to read these books as well, as I know she too struggles with some of these things as Enu does. Of course a fifth grader is not always open to such suggestions from mother ;)
I wanted to share these books to help out the fellow homeschooler and the parents of newly adopted older kids who are learning English. They are helpful and fun and free if you get them from the library as I did. I did get the word ladder of Amazon, but it was totally worth the few bucks it cost.
(Disclosure: I was not asked to review these materials, nor do I make money on the links. I should do something about that shouldn’t I!)
The Holidays are amazing wonderful and magical at times, and at other times they can be tragic and lonely.
I am blessed in that Christmas has always been a special time, not one of loneliness or regret. Of course, I have always been aware that the holidays can be hard for those who are grieving a loss of a loved one or for people who have no one to celebrate with. Being aware of and actually living through a holiday season grieving are acutely different.
While I cannot claim to know the loss that my Ethiopian girls have suffered, I have lived with them for several holiday seasons now. We are about to celebrate our fourth Christmas as a family. The first Christmas in 2008 wasn’t too rough as the girls as I kept a low profile Christmas and skipped a lot of the events that we normally do, although I did notice Mita was agitated at our Ethiopian Christmas celebration (January 7th or Epiphany) and even left our meal prematurely.
The past two Christmas seasons have seen an escalation in emotions, misbehaviors and outbursts. Sadness that they will not be celebrating Christmas with their father is evident as they make Christmas cards for him and help make his annual photo book.
It doesn’t matter that in Ethiopia they may have received one outfit and some popcorn for Christmas, that Santa would skip over their house. It doesn’t matter that they wouldn’t have a tree with an iPod or American Girl doll underneath. He is not with them and that is what matters.
Remember that no matter how wonderful your adoption has been, there is still a loss there that needs to be recognized. December is a month for families and when your family has been fractured it cannot be ignored.
I encourage us all to remember those who have suffered a loss this year or in years passed. Let us be gentle with them in our celebrations.
November is National Adoption Awareness Month. The goal of this declaration is to encourage the adoption of children in the Foster care system. Most of these children are older children. Though we did not adopt through the Foster system, we did adopt older children and I try to be very honest about the blessings and the struggles of having done so. Adoption should not be looked upon as an easy thing nor as an impossible thing. There are hidden challenges and miraculous surprises with adoption as well as some stories that may never be told.
A few months after Mita and Enu came home I had Enu in the bath tub. She loved the tub and water and took long baths at that time. I pointed to a scar on her knee and asked her how she got it. She told me in very broken English that she had been running at our agency’s home in Ethiopia and fell on the pavement. It seems like a simple explanation, but it was the first time I had asked her something complex and she was able to answer so that I understood. I remember running out to Hubby and letting him know what had happened. I was so happy to know yet another fact of her life before us.
She has two other scars. I have asked her about them. She doesn’t know how she got them. One is a burn on her back. I wonder when I help lotion her: Did she walk backwards into a stove? Was she burnt by a stick? Was it on accident or was she hurt on purpose? How did she feel when it happened? Was she scared and lonely or did she have open arms to run into? I will most likely never know unless she remembers and lets me know someday.
Her other scar is on her neck. It brings more questions as the location is odd and to be honest a bit scary.
If you are considering bringing an older child into your family, please realize that you may never know every story. Some unknowns may haunt you, and they will haunt the traumatized child, but it is not a reason not to adopt. Just be aware.
April 16th, 2008 Hubby and I were in a cab driving through the streets of Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Our guest house was far from our agencies home and I was a bit car sick. Stop and go is the normal for driving in developing nations. A lot of horns blowing, strange and wonderful smells in the air. I kept wanting to speak in Spanish as all my senses thought I was in Peru again.
I had put on a long skirt that day with a shirt with 3/4 length sleeves. The outfit was well-thought out as it is considered rude to expose your knees and your elbows in Ethiopia. Kids can get away with short sleeve shirts, but not women. I didn’t want to shock my new kids with bad manners.
My new kids. It was finally time to meet Mita and Enu. Two years into the adoption process, three months from first seeing their photos and it was all coming down to right now. I was worried they would cry and beg not to be taken. I was worried they might be mean and aggressive in their fear.
We pull into the alley with our agency’s sign “AAI” hanging in front of large metal doors and I felt a wave of anxiety. The guard lets us through and we do into the office. The compound is what I expected, lots of dirt and metal familiar to us with our experiences in Peru. What was different was that this time we would be taking two of the child as our own, not just playing with them or helping them. They were to be ours.
The Canadian director took us to Mita and Enu’s class. She stepped inside for a moment. I was waiting for the music to start playing, this is the dramatic part right? No music. To little girls step out. Smaller than I had imagined. They smiled bashfully and gave us a hug, immediately calling us mom and dad. I was pleased of course, but know that they were taught to do this. They had no idea that mom and dad were Enat and Abba. So trusting, yet really they had no choice but to come with us.
Their grimy hands in mine, they took me to see their bunk. One little bed without a pillow in a room with at least eight other bunks. One small cubby held all of their belongings. Enu looks at me with pride when she shows me her family photo album. I cried behind my sunglasses. Pictures. My heart broke and sang at the same time. More than I had asked for. I had prayed for one picture of their mom. I got so much more.
Hubby worked on paper work while we hung out in the office. I couldn’t talk with them, nor could they will be. We all seemed content, just a bit awkward maybe. Mita and Enu were not the names they went by, they were more family nic names and we weren’t the family that used them. My mind shifted to change the names I had dreamt about, talked about and written for several months. Already a change in expectations and we were thirty minutes into our new lives. That set the pace for the next few years.
I don’t look back on that day with music. I remember new love and timidness. The adoption was over. The rest of our lives were beginning.
The first picture I ever saw of my girls.
A recent post on BlogHer inspired me to write about meeting my daughters for the first time.
I remember Meg being put in my arms shortly after giving birth to her. I said “I know you now. I know you now.” I was in awe that I was finally seeing my daughter face to face after carrying her for those many months. I didn’t even know if she was a boy or a girl, I just knew I loved her and that she would be perfect and that I would be the perfect mom. I had such high expectations for us. Well, after twelve years neither of us have proved to be perfect, but I really know her now. Every freckle, every scar, every pre-teen look she gives me. I know who she is.
It was pretty much the same when Elle was born. Though I knew she was a girl and I knew neither of us would be perfect. I felt enormous love and thanksgiving when she was born. I was an experienced parent who knew that it would go fast and that we would make it through just fine. My expectations weren’t as high, I just wanted to enjoy her.
I first saw Mita and Enu’s pictures in January 2008. I was so overjoyed to have a referral. I was so happy to see their faces. I was so ready to put the love I already felt to two little faces. I got to read school reports and health reports. I had put personalities to them just by their pictures. I bought them clothes and dreamed about meeting them.
Then we were there. The director took us to their classroom and brought them out to us. They were so small, so scared but happy. I now know they were happy because they had been told this was a happy thing. They really didn’t have a clue what was going on, the concept was just to big. Mita has told me when they were introduced to us as mom and dad she thought they had painted her Ethiopian dad peach!
The hugged us, held my hand, showed us the bunk they shared and their personal belongings. Enu handed me something that I will be forever grateful for. She handed me family pictures. Baby pictures, pictures of them growing up with their mom, dad and grandparents. This album has allowed me to talk about what they looked like as a baby, it has let them see how loved they were by their parents. It is a true miracle that many international adoptees don’t have.
So there I was hugging two little girls who were strangers to me, but not. I felt relief, happiness and a bit of now what? They knew very little English, I knew even less Amharic and yet we were a family. They looked at me, I looked at them. We were in a bit of limbo at that time I now realize.
One of the things that sticks out in my mind most is that Mita was sucking on the seatbelt buckle in the taxi. I was so grossed out, but didn’t want one of my first actions to be a correction. So I let her suck it (not wear it mind you!). I would have never let Meg or Elle have done that, but I knew them. I still didn’t know Mita. This is not a bad thing to admit. Adoption is different from giving birth, adopting older kids is way different from giving birth. They had an entire six and eight years of life that I didn’t experience with them.
Much like the birth of Meg, I had a lot of expectations for Mita and Enu, but I had learned that expectations can change and that can be a good thing. Much like with the birth of Elle I was ready to live in the moment.
What is different is that I don’t know where every scar has come from. I don’t know when their first steps were taken or when they started getting teeth. I have no idea what the birth stats are or even the correct date of birth. This things don’t really sadden me as an adoptive mom as I know that their Ethiopian mom and dad got to see these moments and from the pictures, I know they enjoyed these moments. What does make me sad is that if the girls decide to have kids of their own, we won’t be able to compare when things happened.
After three and a half years, I can say that I know my girls. I just don’t know everything. I never will.
These last seven hundred words cannot give you a great picture of what happened during that day visually, but it does show what was going through my mind. As this is NoPloPoMo and I am to stretch my writing, I am going to attempt to write this post again, but make it more about the actual meeting. We will see how that goes!
Yesterday on our weekly trip to the library I found a fun new book that I thought Elle and I would enjoy. It turns out that Enu is in love with it and *bonus* it is a great bonding tool. The book is called You Read to Me, I’ll Read to You: Very short stories to read together by Mary Ann Hoberman and illistrated by Michael Emberly.
Elle is an emergent reader, reading on her own a bit, but still needing help. Reading with her can be fun or can be tedious depending on her level of stubborness at the time! What is so great about this book is that we are reading short lines together, which keeps her (and me) from getting bored. There are mostly rhymes which is great for new readers and writers and the book gets silly which means fun! Fun while reading is so important when they are young. We can’t make it a chore.
As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the reasons for homeschooling Enu was to give her some one on one time that she missed when she was little. This book offers a fun and easy way to spend that precious time with her. She missed the fairy tales and rhyming books. She missed the silly reading stories. She adores this book. We have reserved the other titles in the series: Very Short Fairy Tales and Very Short Mother Goose Tales and I am hoping to get them in time for vacation.
I get happy when I find something with multi-uses and this book fits the bill. I encourage all parents of emergent readers or parents of older-adopted children to check this book out at your library and give it a try.
Have you read this book with your kids? Is reading time bonding time for you all as well?
(Disclosure: I recieved no compenstation for reviewing this book, nor was I asked to review it. I borrowed my copy from the library. Amazon links are not affiliate links and I will not get any money from them.)
As mentioned in a previous post, I am homeschooling Enu this semester. There are many reasons for this decision but the main reason is to spend more one on one time with her. It is challenging to spend enough one on one time with your children, and the more children you have the more challenging it is. Enu did not have a lot of nurturing time when she was a toddler/preschooler, she missed out on the afternoons with mom just hanging out.
So at age nine, she is now having her one on one time. Yesterday we went to COSI to explore the hands on science world. She played with lazors, pulled herself up with a pulley and learned about the moon and sun. Looking around I saw moms with toddlers, doing just as we were doing.
I hate the phrase “It isn’t fair”. Life isn’t fair. God didn’t promise us an easy or cushy life. But when it comes to my girls sometimes I do say it to God. This isn’t fair for my girls. Why God why? I know he understands my impertinence.
It is not fair that Enu missed out on her toddler experiences. So I am trying to give them to her now. Please don’t think I am saintly for doing this, it is extremely difficult at times to parent a nine-year old as one would a toddler. I fail often at being patient. I yell too much. I am her parent though and parents give their kids what they need even if it is not easy.
If I have any advice to other parents it is do not hesitate to give you child the environment they need. Even if it seems backward, even if it is not the situation you pictured when you thought of parenting. Who cares what everyone else says or suggests. Do what you need to do to make life work. I have learned this the hard way as I have been the one bulking at it for a long time.
Enough of the heavy. Here are some pics from our day.
