Nine years ago Hubby surprised me with a seven-day cruise to the Western Caribbean.   When I say surprised, I mean total shocker. We hadn’t talked about it or anything, I just opened up my Valentines card and there it was.  Lovely man, I know.

Nine years ago I only had one little one. Meg was about three.  I was still perfect mom. You know what I mean, I did it all right and I could tell anyone how to raise a perfect kid.  Meg was a dream child in so many ways and I attributed it to me. Hubby too. But Me.

I was a wreck about leaving her. I was sure we would die on the plane and not be around to enjoy watching her grow up. I was positive that a week with her grandmas would spoil my perfect child.  So I did what every perfect mom would do and I created a pamphlet, yes a pamphlet, for the grandmas.  The title of the pamphlet was: How to Raise A Meg.  Really, that is what I called it.

The trip came and went, all was well.  Apparently my perfect child at one point jumped up on the counter and called my father in law a “lily-livered-codfish”. I, of course, thought that she was a genius for reciting  Peter Pan (a personal favorite) but my father in law wasn’t impressed!  She did fine and was not spoiled forever, we lived to see her again and the pamphlet was forgotten.

Until last night.  Going through old pictures, by mom showed it to me at our Super Bowl get together.  Oh my gracious. How embarrassed was  I?  Reading this pamphlet was eye-opening. I must have been an obnoxious bitch of a mom at that time.  I am able to laugh at myself, but it was enlightening to see how condescending I was back then.  At least I hope it was back then.

We are leaving for Hawaii on Sunday.  When I say we I mean, Hubby and I. That lovely man did it again and surprised me on my birthday last year.   The kids are staying  home   mostly with my mom.  My mom in law and my sister-in-law on deck to help out as needed.  I’ve called in a few favors to help with the picking up and dropping off that is needed with school age kids.  There will be no pamphlets this time around as I do not have the time to make four of them, nor is there room on a piece of paper to explain all the craziness in my head that is parenting.  I do have a schedule made out, a menu planned, general rules for the girls and the necessary permissions for my mom, dad and mom in law to take care of the kids.

So the good news is that I am no longer, neurotic mom.  Or maybe it’s not that I’m no longer neurotic, it’s just that I don’t have time or energy to be. Hmmm.

Rule #1  Never look them directly in the eye when you know they are grumpy/psychotic.  The glare from them can freeze you on contact.

Rule #2  When you are aware of said grumpiness, say as little as possible. Don’t try to fix it or make a suggestion. When needed to inform them of something important, make it very informal and indirect (while not looking at them)  for example:  “Lunch box is on the table.” Is much better than “Sweetie, I put your lunch box on the table by your backpack. Please don’t forget it.”  That last statement may just make them leave their lunch box on purpose.

Rule #3 When later that day your twelve-year-old is happy, humming and the sweet child you remember DO NOT ASK THEM WHAT WAS WRONG EARLIER!  They will revert back to grumpy. Just be happy that they are happy and get some hugs in while you can!

Rule #4  The rules change day by day and sometimes hour by hour. Do your best and remember that someday they will enjoy your company, help and support.  At least I have been told this. I hope they just weren’t saying it to give me hope…..

Artwork credit

Tis the season of sickness,

fa la la la la, la la la la

Tylenol and Ibuphrophen

Gotta stock up a la la la

Kleenex, Vicks Vapor and Vomit

La la la la la Fa la la la

Snotty  noses, swollen glands

Don’t forget the throw up pans

Fa la la la la la Fa la la la

(Please forgive my sleep-starved brains!)

I honestly don’t remember Mita doing this assignment last year, but I do remember Meg doing it. This makes me wonder if it was assigned to Mita and she didn’t make a big deal about it or if she kept the assignment on the down-low because it was a big deal to her.  Hmm. I must go through the projects I kept from last year and see if I can find it.

Back to yesterday.  I told Enu that I would have to get on the computer and order prints as we are a digital family and I rarely have extra prints hanging around.  We discussed what pictures she wanted and what her events on the time line were going to be:

1- Birth in Ethiopia – She wanted a baby picture of her and her dad that we have.

2- Mom dying when she was 3.

So when she mentioned this I gently said,”Honey, if you put this down people are going to ask you about it.”  She shrugged and said that it was fine.

3- Adoption and movie to the USA.

4- Disneyworld for the first time.

5- Being at 4th grader.

I am planning on supporting her wishes, but I am also going to have a back up picture in case she changes her mind at the last-minute. I will also let her teacher know what is coming so she isn’t put on the spot.

I applaud her for being truthful and authentic in her project. I admire her strength for acknowledging what she has done through. I am so worried that this may trigger something and she will have a bad experience at school.  I’m running this by Hubby to see what he thinks.

I think this will also be a lesson-learner for the other kids in the class.  Not everyone has an all-happy timeline to share, even 9 year olds.  That said I hate that my children seem to be the models for adoption and diversity at school as that is a lot of pressure on a kid.  If anyone out there has traveled this path I would love some advice!

I hope that Mita and Meg will read this book as it speaks to their age and I think Mita can identify with the main character, Lahni.  Of course I can not push it on them to forcefully or it will come right back. The joys of having twelve year old girls!

A quick plot review:  Lahni is a tranracially adopted, only child who is fourteen years old. Her parents are white and she goes to an elite private school where she is the only student of color.  It seems her main goal in life is to not be noticed and she ends up being put in the spotlight without her asking to be.  Along the way she deals with divorcing parents, an older boy who is threatening, dealing with normal school issues and trying to find her voice.  She also developed some new relationships with adult African Americans and this makes a big impact on her.

As a mother to two trans-racially adopted children there were a few parts of the book that made me feel triumphant, as I am a much more open and affectionate mother than Lahni’s mom.  Here are a couple of lines where I felt this:

“Do you think I have a decent voice?”

“Of course I do. God knows where you get it from.  Certainly not your father or me.”

How could she be saying this. It is not as though she knows more than I do if my real mother or father were good singers.  But it was something my mom always did. Speak as though were were really one family, instead of me being apart of someone else’s.

The family dynamics demonstrated in the book showed that Lahni was very loved by her parents, but that they were distant enough to Lahni to sometimes think that they thought the adoption was a mistake.  While reading the book I would get irritated at some of the interactions of the family, but I do acknowledge  that her younger memories show a happier, close knit family. The strain of the divorce and Lahni becoming a teenager may be a couple of factors for the emptiness felt in this family. You can see both parents struggling and so can Lahni.

I have to wonder though, if the author is showing his experience or lack of experience with trans-racial adoption in this story, or if in fact this is just how he envisioned the story. I would love to talk to him and ask him.  I  hope that people don’t assume that trans-racial adoption, or any type adoption at all for that matter produces lack-luster affection in families or families who don’t address and celebrate their differences.

Any thoughts on this book if you have read it?  I really enjoyed it. I even sat in a Sears parking lot today reading it, because it was driving me nuts having it in my purse while I was running errands and I couldn’t finish it!  I love it when a book gets into me that way.

(Disclaimer:  I was not asked to read or review this book, I just wanted to for participation in the 2012 Adoption Reading Challenge hosted by Jenna.  Links are Amazon Affiliates.)

Snow day….what to do, what to do?

1) Hide under my covers.

2) Be the best mom in the world and take the girls sledding topped with hot chocolate.

3) Be the best mom in the world and let them watch their favorite shows on the big TV while eating  popcorn.

4) Establish a nap time, but call it a siesta to make it sound sophisticated.

Who am I kidding, we can accomplish all of these things today. There is plenty because we have another three day weekend.  Whoo-hooo and waaaaaaa.

Photo Credit

My kids do own clean clothes. They also have coats and gloves.  They own and have demonstrated proper use with a toothbrush and a hair comb.

I recently made a pledge to myself to send my children off to school with more love than nagging. Thus instead of my normal “It’s January in  Ohio, get over it and where your heavy coat” song and dance I have been trying to say things like, “Mommy loves you and doesn’t want you to be cold.” In a soft voice that is much like Mary Poppins or Ma Ingalls. 

This recent pledge has backed me into a corner and given me little room to maneuver or manipulate. So you may see my almost twelve year old wearing her pajama shirt today,”No one will know it’s a pajama top mom.” Says Her.  Little does she realize that everyone who has been to Walmart after Christmas and seen the 50% off pajama section will know.  I did complement the shiny, red sequined head band she is wearing with said pajama top.

I know that the announcements the schools send out go to everyone, but I see them as personal failures.

” Dear Parent, please make sure your children have appropriate cold weather wear so they can play outside.” 

“Dear School, I have provided cold weather outerwear for my kids and send them off to school with it.  Check the backpacks and pockets for the items you need that they say they don’t have.  I’m not sure why but my children feel the need to be cold. Please feel free to speak with them on this subject as they cannot hear my words on the subject, it must be a communication flaw.”

I’m not sure what I am doing wrong/different from the parents who get their kids to wear not only appropriate attire, but matching and cute attire as well.  Pants, shirts and  head bands that match and coordinate? How do you do such a thing? Is it genetic or maybe you torture your kids? Am I cursed because I refused to wear a dress for my mother from the ages of 3-14? Or maybe because I wore all black for three years and threatened to shave my head bald? Or maybe it is because I used to change at school into my shirts with skulls and crossbones that my mom wouldn’t let me wear? Or maybe it is because for a few years as a pre-schooler I claimed I was a boy? 

I hope the curse will end soon, or my kids will learn to like being clean and warm. Until then,  take pity on me and ignore what my children wear today to school.  Please?  I will owe you one.

Sincerely,

A mom who is trying not to nag

We seem to giggle at the pudginess, get exasperated with buying more clothes, talk about how they are growing up too fast - like it is a bad thing.  Or sometimes we don’t say anything about it at all, which can be worse.

What we should do and often don’t do, is tell the girls that this is normal.  During puberty girls can gain thirty to fifty pounds.  Their bodies are getting ready for a change and our body fat needs to increase to hold the estrogen needed.  This is a lot of weight in a relatively short period of time.  It is hard for us as parents to watch our girls growing up, but it is even more difficult for the girls themselves to live through.

So how can we help our daughters, and ourselves, during this time of growth and transition?  Words.  Simple words starting when you start to see changes in them, or even before if it comes up in conversation.

“I am in such awe of how beautiful you are becoming.”

“You are growing up, it is a pleasure to watch you become a young lady.”

“That shirt looks nice on you.  Maybe we should get a bra to wear under it, for a smoother appearance.  What a lady you are becoming.”

“Let’s try another size, you are blossoming!” (Seriously, this line made one of girls smile with pleasure- she loved that I had noticed.)

I am being honest, saying these things are helpful, they may just not seem like it.  Remember, the girls will roll their eyes and say things like “You have to say that you are my mom.”  Conversation and loving support is always a good thing. Getting Dads to be supportive is a wonderful thing to do as well.  They don’t have to talk about bras, but hugs and complements from their father can mean a lot to a young girl.

There are still going to be moments of tears, it is a good chance they will talk about dieting, not liking how they look and of hating themselves.  We have to be the voice of reason.  Remind them to look around at school, notice the other girls and how they are changing to.  Remind them that this is a normal, natural development, but that everyone grows differently and at their own pace.  I will give you a link to a great book I reviewed last year about girls and their body image.

And be prepared to spend a bundle on clothes, they will grow out of their pants overnight!

Or did they?  I have slowing gleaned that while they seem conversationally fluent, if they don’t know something they fake it, or guess the meaning by the context of the conversation.  I have learned we need to work on vocabulary, tone, sarcasm and idioms.  They are still very literal in many ways.

Enu and I have worked a lot with word ladders.  This has improved her spelling and vocabulary and they are fun to do.  I found two other books that helped with her language skills:

In A Pickle And Other Funny Idioms by Marvin Terban

Ever wonder where the expression “To let the cat out of the bag” came from? This book will tell you along with other idioms like “He got up on the wrong side of the bed” or “Keep your shirt on.”  I learned some things reading this and I know Enu did as well.

How Much Can A Bare Bear Bear? by Brian P. Cleary is a book on homonyms and homophones.  “A bee can be.” ” A horse can get hoarse from talking of course.”  An easy read that shows kids how to learn our complicated English in a fun, silly way.

I would love for Mita to read these books as well, as I know she too struggles with some of these things as Enu does. Of course a fifth grader is not always open to such suggestions from mother ;)

I wanted to share these books to help out the fellow homeschooler and the parents of newly adopted older kids who are learning English. They are helpful and fun and free if you get them from the library as I did. I did get the word ladder of Amazon, but it was totally worth the few bucks it cost.

(Disclosure: I was not asked to review these materials, nor do I make money on the links.  I should do something about that shouldn’t I!)

As they get older and the achievements are more out of the hygiene realm, watching them grow, learn and become who they are meant to become is nothing less than miraculous.  I have found that every morning they come out of their rooms one step closer to adulthood and it makes me want a pause button in some ways and an applause button in other ways.

Where did Meg, long-legs Meg, get her confidence?  Both Hubby and I didn’t have great self-confidence growing up, yet she is strong, solid and humble in her self.  I’ve had teachers and other adults tell me how kind she is and how she isn’t a braggart in her accomplishments.

Mita. My dear Mita has blossomed into a young woman (seriously, have you seen her?!). She is quiet and works so hard. She is reading up a storm and is a straight A student. Straight A’s for a child who four years ago knew no English!   Her room is her castle and she loves to clean it and take pride in her appearance. The outfits she puts together dazzle and are stunning. How does she make sweats look glamorous?!  Her heart. Her heart has had more sorrow than many have had in a lifetime, and yet she is healing.  She gives me spontaneous hugs and I love yous. She calls me Mommy sometimes.  I love to just stare at her. She doesn’t like that so much though!

Enu. Enu is the child who is teaching me patience and perseverance.   She is growing by leaps and bound physically and emotionally.  She is finding herself slowly, but it is happening. She is great with young kids and as of right now she is helping me watch my niece. She will be a great babysitter in just a few years. Her smile is contagious, and she really is quite funny.  It will be great to watch her harness her energy in the years to come.

Elle.  Elle is my elfin fairy for sure.  She is now seven and  I look at what Meg was like at seven and they are so different yet alike.  Elle is becoming very funny, almost a dry sense of humor in some ways. Her comebacks make Hubby and I look at each other and smile. She can take care of herself  just fine in a pack of four sisters!  She still plays with toys, which makes me sooooo  happy.  For Christmas she got an iPod and a Lalaloopsy doll and she will walk around playing with both at the same time.  She still cuddles which makes me think she will always be a cuddler! Yeah!  My baby reads. My. Baby. Reads.

Watching my girls grow is truly a pure delight.  I am overwhelmed with how fast everything is going. Meg is talking about college (of course she has always talked about college, but now I picture it happening!).  Hubby and I find ourselves talking about a third car for the girls to share.

I know that talking about your kids growing up is a well-worn topic. I’ve heard for years how it goes by quickly.  It makes me ache that this is so true but at the same time I love, love, love watching them learn, grow and burst into the world.  If I have anything to do with how wonderful these children are it is my greatest honor in life.  My work is done, everything else is a bonus.